Tuesday, September 9, 2014

The Unexpected

Gordon and I recently added two more dates to our “memory bank”.  July 25th and September 2nd.  July 25th was a happy day.  It’s the day we found out we were expecting baby #2.  September 2nd , on the other hand, was a day filled with heartbreak and tears.  It’s the day we learned that the second life we created together we would never get to meet.  That precious little spirit had already found its place in Heaven. 

Over the last week I've contemplated writing this post.  Obviously, I decided to share this news….and for a couple of reasons.  This may be a sad chapter in our book but it’s still a chapter.  It’s our story.  For six weeks we were filled with anticipation and excitement.  The second reason for sharing this post is for awareness.  To think that another women going through a similar situation could read this post…and potentially find comfort makes it worth while.
I’m a pretty literal person.  I like making lists.  I like weighing out the pros and cons of situations that occur in my life.  Most of the time I’m very realistic and maybe a little too blunt.  As hard as this past week has been, as sad as I am, this is what the realistic Lindsey thinks….
  • ·         God has a plan for me and my family.  This child, for whatever reason, was not a part of            our plan. 
  • ·         A healthy baby is what we pray for. 
  • ·         10-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and 80% occur before the 12th week.  
    • after seeing a heartbeat your chances decrease to 5%
  • ·         The leading cause of miscarriage is chromosome abnormalities.
  • ·         I have a beautiful healthy little boy.  As much as I’d love to have another child….if he's the only child we have I am beyond blessed and so very very very thankful for him. 

With all of that being said.  I. Am. Sad.  Much sadder than I would have ever imagined.  But, it could be worse.  It can always be worse.  Just think about what my profession is.  

Here’s baby #2’s story…..I knew I could possibly be pregnant.  On July 25th I woke up at 3:30am and knew I couldn't wait a minute longer to find out.  Into the bathroom I went with a fancy digital test.  I laid back in bed and watched the hour glass flash on the screen.  And then there it was.  PREGNANT.  A huge smile was plastered on my face the rest of the day.   That morning the three of us had a special Friday morning breakfast at the donut shop.  Since I had made a special dinner when I told Gordon about William I wanted to do the same for baby #2.  That evening little William handed his daddy the positive test.  Gordon’s eyes lit up.  A week later we had our first doctor appointment and over the next 3 weeks we told our families (all in person).  Besides a few food aversions and feeling really tired I didn’t feel very pregnant.  I even mentioned this to the doctor at our 7 weeks appointment.  I tend to be a little pessimistic about things like this but my anxiety was replaced by excitement when we saw the flashing heartbeat on August 19th.  144 beats per minute (William's had been 140 at this stage).  Due date would be April 5, 2015.  A few days later I got to see baby on the big screen again.  It was my first appointment with the Maternal Fetal doctor.  The plan was to see him regularly to monitor baby and to help make a decision about surgery (cerclage placement).  The babies growth was still on track and he/she had a nice heartbeat.  We found out at this visit that I had originally been pregnant with twins. { I've always dreamed of having twins….can’t say my body would be able to handle it.  God knows best. } I finally felt more confident in this pregnancy.  I let myself start planning and thinking about our future with two little ones.  Labor day weekend we told my brother and SIL.  They are due with their first baby on March 30th (just 6 days before us!).  On September 2nd I headed into the med center for my fourth doctor’s appointment.  Based on the measurements, the baby had probably made its way to Heaven soon after my appointment on August 22nd.  The hardest part was being alone and having to call Gordon.  I had surgery several days later that went well.  I can’t say enough how wonderful my friends and family have been through all of this.  They've made a terrible week bearable. 

7 weeks: Baby on left side; Empty sack on right

Baby #2 was created out of pure love so our hearts are heavy.  April 5, 2015, Easter day, will not pass without a tear or two.  I wish I knew what’s ahead of us….. if this will happen again.  But that’s not for me to worry about.  All I can do is pray, be thankful for what I have, be grateful for the physician/nurses that have cared for me recently (TCH Women’s Pavilion rocks!) and feel very blessed for getting through surgery, recovering well and having an awesome support system.  I’m a lucky girl. 

Sometimes our timing isn't His timing.  Jeremiah 29:11

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