Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Elaboration On The Unexpected

I post a few months ago about our miscarriage in September.  I've had quite a few people private message me, talk to me in person and send text message with thanks and sweet words about the post.  So many couples have fertility issues.....and the majority of the time we have no idea what they are going through.  I know that talking to others, that have gone through similar situations, has made me feel a ton better.  That's why I'm doing another post.
Let me start off by saying that Gordon and I are blessed beyond measure.  Getting to carry William for 7 months and now watch him grow into a healthy little boy is indescribable.  He is so precious to us.  If he's all we get we are happy and thankful.

With that being said, I was really sad for 2-3 months after the miscarriage....here are a few of the things that made my heart hurt and things that crossed my mind.

  •  I would love to give William a sibling.  To think he would be an only child was probably the hardest part.  (I did find a positive to it....we'd obviously have lots more money and time for just him)  
  • I always thought I'd be more logical and see the science behind the miscarriage.  That wasn't the case.  I wanted that baby.  I'd started planning and we were excited.  
  • Some of the people I'm closest to found out they were pregnant right after my miscarriage.  I watched person after person post about their pregnancy on Facebook.  Was I happy for my friends?  Of course!  Was I sad about my loss still?  Yes.  To hear people announce a pregnancy when you should be doing the same thing hurts.  Watching those cute baby bumps grow has just been a constant reminder of how my body should have looked, of where we should have been.  
  • Scared.  Scared that I'll never get pregnant again.  Scared that I shouldn't have had the surgery on my uterus back in 2013.  Scared that another miscarriage is in our future (if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant).  My SIL is an OB/GYN and has told me from day 1 that these are all normal feelings.  She said all women feel this after having a miscarriage (my SIL has been a tremendous help through all of this!).  
  • Blaming myself.  Wondering if I somehow did something wrong.  Again, I know this isn't the case but it crossed my mind.  My messed up uterus doesn't help things.  :/
  • With each passing month things have gotten easier.  But, with the start of each new cycle I can't help but feel sad for a day or two.  
  • For more than 10 years I have watched parents loss their children to cancer.  In my opinion, it's the worst thing that can happen to a parent.  As much as I tried, before I had William I couldn't fully appreciate a parents love for their child.  Having this miscarriage gave me a tiny peek (and when I say tiny, I mean teeny tiny) at the sadness that comes with loss of something you created/loved.  I think, in the long run, it will help me be a better, more compassionate, nurse. 
Carrie Underwood's latest song, Something In The Water, has really made me feel happy lately.
Just a little faith, it'll all get better
Gonna look ahead, no turning back
Live everyday, give it all that I have
Trust in someone bigger than me.

God is the only one that knows what our future has in store for us.  When I pray, I pray that I can continue to trust that God has the perfect plan for my family.  My plans aren't always his plans.  So for now, I'm just living everyday to the fullest.  Giving it all that I have.  Never taking our health for granted.  Trying to not sweat the small stuff.  Never comparing to others, just loving our life. Appreciating everything we have....especially my family.     

God is Good.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  - Proverbs 3:5

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